Monday, May 23, 2011

Forever and a day later.

Wowwwww..... Well.... I'm really sorry that I haven't written anything since I gave birth! But here I am with an almost 7 month old who has a bigger personality then the world. I know it's so cliche to say BUT being a mommy is the most rewarding difficult thing I have ever done. Well let me clarify that having a family is the most rewarding but difficult thing. You really don't understand what that means until you have it. But being a mom is the greatest blessing in the world. Today Payton fell asleep on our love sac and I just watched her sleep. There is nothing more beautiful then watching your own child sleep. I stroked her hair and told her she was the greatest joy in the world.

It's almost scary loving someone as much as I love her. It almost feels like a risk. Because the thought of having anything happen to her......... literally makes me heart ache. Same goes for Sean of course (:. But your children are different. The love you have for your baby is a completely different love all in itself. It's a love I have never EVER felt before. But it's a love that everyone deserves to experience and feel. And I am so blessed to have Sean as my husband and daddy of my lil girl.

Payton loves Sean more then me.. No.. it's ok. I've accepted it. Haha. Well I'm sure she doesnt REALLY but sometimes it feels that way. Sean makes her smile and laugh like no one else. But I am so grateful for that. The relationship I have with my dad has literally saved my life over and over. Ever lil girl deserves to have the powerful relationship with their daddy. And wow no one understands how grateful I am that Payton has and will always have that relationship with her dad. That she will know what its like to be a daddy's girl. Being a dadd'y girl is what I do best. But now I know how my mom feels.... and its a very bitter sweet feeling.

I will try to blog more. But it's so hard finding time to blog when I barely have time for myself now. I just want to say that I love my lil girl and Sean more then life itself. I am the most blessed person in the world to have them. And I am so grateful for all the blessings God has given me. (:

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Last night mama free

Well in 24 hours I will be in the hospital. Tomorrow I go in at 7:30 pm and they are gonna give me a pill to make my cervix start to do what its supposed to do.. dilate. But for some odd reason my cervix doesn't know how to do that by itself... Then hopefully I will start to get contractions and go into labour on my own. And if I don't then first thing Friday morning they will give me pitocin mm joy. Which I am praying I wont have to get because I heard that it makes your labour a million times worse. Blah.

Anywayyyyy.. I decided to cook dinner tonight and clean a little. It's weird to me that this is the last night in my house of being pregnant and mom free. I am getting all Payton's things ready. Making sure her basinet is all good to go, and her clothes are all clean and folded. As I sit here I look down at my big belly thinking how weird it's going to be not to have it anymore. In the weirdest way I have become so attached to it. It literally freaks me out at the thought of not having it anymore. But I am SO excited.

I wont write a ton, I have done my far share of blogging today. I just was thinking about how crazy it is that this is my last night home without a baby (well a baby not inside my big buddah belly).

Wish me luck tomorrow :)

Stuck on the past

    So lately I have been going through one of those phases were I sit and reminisce about my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. I have done a lot of stupid, amazing, smart, not so smart, spontaneous, random, things in my life. I have seen and experienced even more things. To me I had the perfect childhood, which started to end around the time I was 16 when family life got more difficult, and then went completely down hill when I turned 18. Around the same time I went through my most "rebelious' stage. My parent's divorce wasn't easy, and it's still not. But a lot of great learning experiences came out of it. I am a much stronger person today because of all the things I have gone through. And they are things I will teach my children.

Anyway...... the thought I had was we live many lives within our one life. We go through different "characters" of people but always have the same core. We have all changed our skin depending on the crowd we are with. We have all sinned and hopefully repented. Life never stops. Learning never stops. Time never stops. And we never stop. Though there are times where it feels like we can't go another day, it doesn't matter. Time doesn't listen to us, it keeps moving and we just have to do the same. One of my favorite sayings is "when life gets to hard to stand, kneel". God loves us, I know he does. I would be lost without him. But that post is for another day.

Don't focus on the past or the future. Like the old turtle said in Kung Fu Panda "The past is history, the future is a mystery but today is a gift, thats why its called the present." I need to listen to my own advice I know. But I am working on that. All I can do right now is enjoy this moment and not worry about the past or future.

Finally a blogger

I'm sure everyone can relate to me when it comes to stalking people on facebook. I do it all the time. And lately I have been reading people's blogs. It started to spark my interest and I decided to give it a try. One thing though..... this blogger website confused the crap out of me. So just give me a little bit of time to get the hang of it.

As everyone knows.. im pregnant! I shouldn't even be prego anymore.. My due date was the 27th of October. Yes everyone.. that was a week ago. I get induced on Friday. I literally feel like I have been pregnant forever. Well 9 months is a really long time. I was talking to Sean last night about how its never again gonna be just Shay and Sean. Which is the most exciting but scary thing to think of. Of course when I first found out that I was pregnant I wasn't surprised... But I was really excited. YES I did cry... a lot. And I think the most scary thing was telling my dad (who at the time was in Hawaii on his honeymoon when I found out I was pregnant. So you can only imagine how shocking it was for the newlywed couple to come home and find out they were gonna be grandparents). Who know is bugging me everyday about when I'm gonna give birth. He can't wait to be a grandpa. But Sean took it how I thought he would.. he was SO excited.

Don't get my wrong.. Sean and I struggled a lot in the beginning. About whether or not we should get married, if I should move to Bountiful or if he should move closer to me. Lots of tears, frustration, yelling and emotion. Obviously we came to the decision of getting married, which was the BEST decision in the world!! I wish we would have gotten married earlier.

This pregnancy has changed me a lot, for the better. It has been one of the hardest most amazing things I have ever gone through. I was so sick in the beginning. I got Hyperemesis Gravidarum which is SEVERE morning sickness. I los 10lbs in a week! I couldn't even drink water. I would let water sit in my mouth then spit it out because it would make me sick. I had to get hooked up to IVs over and over again. I have never been so sick in my life. After about mmm..... 18 weeks I started to feel better. Right around the time I moved from Cedar Hills to Riverton.

Being pregnant has forced me into loving myself for who I am. For those of you who know me (not even very well) you know I'm a tanaholic. I went tanning at LEAST once a week every week for years and years and years. Honestly when I found out I was pregnant the first thing I thought of was "No... more... tanning..." It was really hard for me. I felt like being tan was a part of who I was, it's what people knew me for.. my "gorgeous tan". And now I'm pale, 45lbs heavier(yes I did gain that much), stretch marks, dull hair color, yellow teeth (not really.. i say that just because I haven't been able to bleach them :( ), and now a week past my due date. But I look in the mirror sill in love with who I am because I may not be as "beautiful" anymore. But I am bringing a beautiful baby into this world. It has been a really powerful learning experience for me.

While being pregnant is a huge learning experience, being married is an even bigger one. Everyone says you don't know someone until you move in with them.... it's true yes, but I love Sean even more now. Of course he does lots of little things that bug me, sleeps with socks on, lays in bed in his work clothes, x box..... But at the same time... Wow I wouldn't be able to live without him. I am so blessed. He tells me all the time how gorgeous I still am stretch marks and all. He has never made me feel self conscious about how I look. Every time I look in the mirror and get upset he tells me he is gonna break the mirror if I don't stop. Wow did I luck out with my husband. Not only is he gorgeous (and providing me with a gorgeous daughter) he is strong, powerful, spiritual, loving, caring, hard working, amazing kisser and.. well ya know ;) and will kick anyone's ass who ever hurt me. We do make a beautiful, perfect couple if I do say so myself :)Now all that we are missing is our gorgeous little girl to come into our family. I know together Sean and I will be amazing parents. I know things are gonna get hard, but so worth it.